Is beer still better than your child?

*Note – This was a follow up article I wrote last year.  I’m posting it here, cause I like it.

Things are a lot different in yours 30s compared to your 20s.  First off, we cant process dairy like we used too.  Which sucks, because I really love milk on my fruit loops.  Also, my body hurts a lot more.  I wish someone would have told me that when I was in my 20s, but no, they were like “Do this keg stand Matt, its awesome!!”.  But now I get to the point I really wanted to talk about, your children.  In my 20s, some of my friends had children.  Everyone makes mistakes and I wasn’t there to judge them but to support them.  Now I’m 31 and damn near all my friends have children.  And because of that, I believe there needs to be an update on ‘Why beer is better than your child’.

As you may know from my old blog post, Why Beer is better than your child, I was once really supportive of my friends.  I mean, who else would pretend so hard?  But now I’m the minority.  My once stable group of anti-children friends have children now.  And I’m cold and alone.  But I’m not giving up.  I’m here to tell you that beer is still better than your child, and for much deeper and more refreshing reasons.

Diapers.  Yeah, I’m talking to the person who is wrists deep in green baby poop.  My beer has a diaper, well kind of, its a koozy and instead of dealing with crap flowing up the child’s back it is there to keep my refreshing Olympia beer from getting warm.  Remember me fondly when your are buying a costco size of talc and I’m buying 40 ounces of high gravity deliciousness.  (I’m joking, I’m 31 now, instead of 40s, try a wonderful Holy Mountain IPA)

Crying.  Dear god, make the crying end.  People always say it doesn’t bother you as much when it is your own child.  You know what? I don’t give a rat’s ass.  Just because there is 1 kid you don’t care that cries, there are 4 billion other people who do.  But you know who doesn’t cry? HOPS! All hops want to do is bitter your beer and love you.  And when I say love you, I don’t mean one of those saggy ladies in the back allies of Vegas, but love you like your dog loves you.  Unabashed love.

Lastly, the biggest reason why beer is better than your child – it gets you drunk.  And lets all be honest.  Being drunk is awesome.

And if you disagree with any of this, it’s probably cause you are one of those parents who loves their child and sucks at life.  CHEERS, and have another beer.

Why beer is better than your child

*Note – This article is something I wrote 5 years ago for another blog.  I wanted to post it cause I really enjoy it.


Are you like me? In your late 20’s, childless, on facebook a lot, and have a lot of friends who are getting knocked up?  Yeah, I thought so….  There are a lot of us out there.  It’s not our faults we don’t have children.  We fancy ourselves as individuals responsible enough not to have children.  But I digress, the reason I started the topic of “Why beer is better than your child” is because lately on FB, a large portion of my friends are having children.  Good for you, you are keeping our civilization moving forward.  But I don’t care for every living update about your child.  I’m your friend, and I will feign interest in your child, but I don’t give a damn that he looks sooooo cute in his new sailor outfit.  That outfit sucks.  Your kid will actually hate you later on in life about that picture.  Look, I know I will be a terrible parent, hell, I can barely keep myself alive with the help of my mother.  So, that’s why I have adopted something far better than any child, beer.  Let me tell you why beer is so amazing.

Regardless of how you treat it, beer will always love you.  All it wants is to be consumed.  Children on the other hand? I assume you have to feed them, bathe them, probably have to change them.  Beer won’t go through that awkward stage when all it does is resent you.  Children will do that.  You remember your middle school years?  You hated everyone and everything.  Beer, nah, it ain’t like that.  Beer just wants to sit down next to you, and enjoy your company.  And what’s the great part about beer?  It will help you forget that you had children.  Yeah, after a few of your closest beer buddies, those little jerk children seem to cry less and less.  And ladies and gentlemen, that’s parenting!


Which one of those seems better?  Yeah, I figured as much…..